THE NIGEL and BILL SAGA - 2 THE POLL TAX ESTIMATE SKETCH (NOVEMBER 1989)

REMIND ME TO WRITE TO MYSELF...

by Dave Roberts

The Nigel & Bill saga ran in the letters pages of the Middlewich Chronicle, starting with the almost legendary  Congleton Council Hanging Basket Sketch in 1985 until some time in the early 1990s when a new editor, who failed to see the joke, took over. 

We're featuring these sketches not in strict chronological order, but in the order in which the cuttings come to light as we plough through the mountain of paperwork which has now been consigned to the loft here at 29 Queen Street.

Today we've alighted on a moment in time, during a very fraught period in British politics. 

We're looking at the 29th of November 1989 when The Poll Tax Estimate Sketch was published in the Middlewich Chronicle.

Mrs Thatcher's 'Poll Tax' (or 'Community Charge' to give it its Sunday name) has gone down in history as one of the most contentious, unpopular and, ultimately, unsuccessful political ideas in history.

The idea was to replace the hated local government 'rates' with a payment which everyone, home-owner or not, would have to pay.

It sounds, in principle, a lot fairer.

But, in practice, the levying of a 'flat-rate' tax on everyone, regardless of income, meant that the burden of local government finance was shifted from property owners to people who, in many cases,  could ill afford the new charge.

People who had nothing were expected to pay the same as those who owned property worth millions of pounds.

The idea was tried out in Scotland in 1989, where it proved to be wildly unpopular, and so, inevitably, was extended to the rest of the country the following year. 

The 'Poll Tax Riots' which followed are a part of history and led, eventually, to the replacement of the 'community charge' by the Council Tax in 1992.

So here we are at the end of November 1989, with the introduction of the Community Charge in Congleton Borough imminent.

Our heroes, Nigel and Bill, are considering the latest 'crop' of letters in the local Chronicle and thinking about the forthcoming introduction of the new 'Community Charge':

THE POLL TAX ESTIMATE SKETCH

(As Christmas approaches, Nigel and Bill are hard at work in the offices of the famous Congleton Borough Council)

Nigel: Fine crop of letters in the Chronicle this week, Bill.

Bill: I do not wish to know that, Nigel. I regard people who write letters to newspapers with contempt.

N: You're not the only one, Bill.

B: Anything about us?

N: No. They've left us alone for quite a while.

B: Quite right too. Perhaps they're beginning to realise what a first rate job we do for next to nothing. Remind me to write to myself and tell myself how marvellous I am.

N: Certainly Bill. By the way, I've just got hold of the Government's estimate for the Borough's Community Charge.

B: It's wildly inaccurate, Nigel.
  
N: You've seen it?

B: No, but it's wildly inaccurate, and for once those Smart Alecs from Middlewich can't blame us! The Government's figures are based on false assumptions, political dogma and total ignorance, whereas our own estimate is totally accurate. We have the very latest computer technology and fifteen years of experience to call on.

N: Well they put the figure at £228 What's yours?

B: I'll have a gin and tonic, Nigel.

N: No, I meant...

B: I know what you meant, Nigel. I was being humorous.

N: Sorry, Bill.

B: The official figure for the Community Charge, as estimated by the treasurer's department is somewhere between seventeen and a half pence and £497.33 approximately. Taking into account various grants and subsidies, each eligible person can expect to be paying anything from 3p to £1,847.50. Any the wiser, Nigel?

N: No, Bill.

B: Excellent Nigel. I'm glad to know I'm not losing my touch.

N: I'll be sorry to see the old rates disappear, Bill.

B: Me too, Nigel. The opportunities for threatening letters were tremendous. Still, now we'll have the opportunity to threaten even more people.

N: I can't help thinking that some sort of local income tax system would have been fairer, Bill. You know, people only paying what they could afford...

B: Nigel! Second door on the left, down the corridor...

N: Pardon?

B: It's the executive washroom! Wash your mouth out with soap and water!

N: Sorry, Bill...

(All characters are fictitious)

PUBLISHED IN THE MIDDLEWICH CHRONICLE 29th NOVEMBER 1989

NIGEL and BILL SAGA - 1 THE CONGLETON COUNCIL HANGING BASKET SKETCH

SEND THEM SOME MORE HANGING BASKETS!

by Dave Roberts

There's a perception in Middlewich - maybe it's more than a perception? - that the town is pretty hard done by when it comes to local government services and amenities.

It was, of course, ever thus. There are those who would say that, with the latest council re-organisation, Middlewich  merely progressed from being the 'forgotten town of Congleton Borough' to being 'the forgotten town of Cheshire East'.

Back in August 1985  the old Congleton Borough Council, of which Middlewich was an anomalous, unlikely and (as far as its people were concerned), somewhat unwilling part, was only eleven years into its thirty-five year history.

Many people thought that Middlewich was getting 'a raw deal' from Congleton, paying high rates (forerunner to the present Council tax) and getting little in return.

At that time, it so happened that I had recently been studying the art of comedy scriptwriting - the rhythmic sequence of a scene; conciseness, the importance of characterization and all the rest of it.

One of the exercises was, unsurprisingly, something along the lines of  'write a short comedy sketch involving two characters and tackling a topical issue in a humorous way'.

So I had a go, and Nigel and Bill were the result. In the first draft, they were called Neil and Clive, fact fans, but the names didn't sound authentic. 'Nigel' of course, is a name just made for local government and 'Bill' became his partner as an oblique reference (it says here) to the fact that 'Bills' were all you ever seemed to get from the council.

I was reasonably pleased with the result, gave it the title 'The Congleton Council Hanging Basket Sketch' and decided to send it to the editor of the Middlewich Chronicle (being careful, as always, to retain the copyright) to see what he thought.

To my (slight) embarrassment, rather than giving me his opinion, good or bad, said editor merely published the entire thing on the letters page.

The hanging baskets mentioned were an early attempt to 'smarten up' the town centre at, it seemed to me, minimal cost to the council.

Thus the council could be seen to be 'doing something' about the eternal shabbiness of poor old Middlewich.

The trouble being, of course, that the hanging baskets were the only idea they seemed able to come up with, and the town soon became festooned with the things. 'One trick pony' is the phrase that springs to mind.

The 'Hanging Basket Sketch' was just the first in a whole series of Nigel and Bill sketches published in the Chronicle, featuring ever more elaborate council schemes aimed at doing poor old Middlewich down and keeping all the money in Congleton. 

One sketch was written for radio and was recorded by myself and a member of the town council for broadcasting on community radio (this was long before the days of the now-defunct Cheshire FM).

But this is the sketch everyone remembers. At the time and ever since, when the subject of Middlewich and its place at the bottom of the Council pecking order has been raised, 'Send Them Some More Hanging Baskets!' was, and is, the cry.

To its eternal credit one department of the old Congleton Borough Council joined in with the joke and sent out Christmas cards featuring hanging baskets one year (presumably 1985). Or so I was told. I never saw one of these Christmas cards. If anyone has one, I'd love to borrow it.

So let's go back  twenty-seven years to remind ourselves that the more things change the more they stay the same,with the original sketch which kicked off the Nigel & Bill Saga:

THE CONGLETON COUNCIL HANGING BASKET SKETCH

(IT IS coffee time at the Congleton Borough Council. Nigel and Bill are talking of this and that.)

BILL: By the way, I've received another letter of complaint from Middlewich?

NIGEL: Middlewich?

BILL: It's a small town on the edge of the borough.

NIGEL: Oh yes, I remember. I thought we'd demolished it.

BILL: We tried, but they will keep building new houses.

NIGEL: Yes, it's a hard life in local government. What's their problem now?

BILL: They have this absurd idea that because they pay high rates they're entitled to the same amenities as the rest of the borough.

NIGEL: The very idea! Send them some more hanging baskets!

BILL: They say they're fed up with hanging baskets.

NIGEL: Ungrateful wretches! Those hanging baskets don't grow on trees, you know.

BILL: They say they'd rather have a swimming pool.

NIGEL: For Heaven's sake! Why?

BILL: Because they have two canals and three rivers running through the town. they think their children should have easy access to swimming lessons.

NIGEL: They do have a point, but think of the expense. Send them some more hanging baskets!

BILL: They say they can't get down Wheelock Street because of all the hanging baskets, and if we send any more they'll throw them in the river.

NIGEL: You know, Bill, I sometimes wonder why we bother. Anything else?

BILL: They want to know what we intend to do with all the derelict land in Lewin Street.

NIGEL: The Council has earmarked that land for a very special purpose. We're going to turn it into a nursery and grow lots of flowers.

BILL: What on earth for?

NIGEL: To put in the hanging baskets, of course. I do wish you'd think sometimes, Bill. Anyway, back to work. I've been asked to design a new logo for the council.

BILL: And what have you come up with?

NIGEL: It's an enormous great hanging basket on a blue background...

(All characters are fictional. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is coincidental)

First published in the Middlewich Chronicle on 22nd August 1985

©Dave Roberts 1985/Salt Town Productions 2012